[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
You Might Also Like
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Happy Friday
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person