[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
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[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
she has a point
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Butt weight. There’s more!
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.