*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
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I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.