Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
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Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter