*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
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I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
[shakes fist at other fist]
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual