Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
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*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Breaking news:
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.