Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
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inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.