Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
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In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
happy valentine’s day to me
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened