@JasonLastname: Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person's noticed mine's a calculator.
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@mommy_cusses: Found out at my Doctor's appointment that the disturbing voices I've been hearing non stop are called children.
@dafloydsta: ME: Hey they're playing our song. HER: This isn't our song. ME: [turning up "Go Your Own Way"] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
@ashmensch: "Excuse me, but the sign says 'No shirt, no shoes, no service.' It doesn't say a goddamn thing about no pants." - Me, drunk at Target