@JasonLastname: Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person's noticed mine's a calculator.
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@RapeyRaperton: When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear "tip to tip" and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
@duhh3322: I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
@dave_cactus: [at my dad's funeral after he drowns] ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It's what he would have wanted...