Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
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For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
become ungovernable
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
One of the best
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.