Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
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Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫