[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
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Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
the #horror is real!
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.