Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
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Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?