[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
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[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered