@jonnysun: sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
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@stephenjmolloy: *dog comes up to me* "I think he likes me!" Cop: "We are going to search you for drugs now."
@trumpetcake: Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
@david8hughes: [planning a heist] Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist? Robber 1: hoist Robber 2: ... Robber 1: it's just how I pronounce it Robber 2: so you know this is a heist Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO