sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
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Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.