*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
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governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
That was easy.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store