Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
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Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
My wife gives the best headache.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.