[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
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Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
The struggle is real
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Good morning y’all ☀️
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?