[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
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If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I created you as mosquito food.