The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
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I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.