We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
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As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no