She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
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HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
How animals would run if they were human
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this