[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
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White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby