[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
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My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Who’s your best friend?
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Yes, but it was never about money