A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
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Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
the noise i just made
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
courtroom exchange of the day
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated