“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
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I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey