@NurseSeymour: "Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
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@katiefzack: Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, "If I'm alive by then," and hang up.
@TheBoydP: If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
@leannuh_renay: I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography