“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
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Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?