Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
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i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!