December birthdays be like…
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Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
LOOOOOOL
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.