I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
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*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?