Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
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I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
You had me at “define legal”.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur