[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
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[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
S M O L
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
shit just got real
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
me, too, girl. me, too.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”