[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
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It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it