Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
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People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.