I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
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“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…