Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
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Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.