SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
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[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
not for long
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!