SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
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In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Not helping
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Mistakes were made
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary