Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
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Nice try, poison.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Word.
~ Microsoft.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool