[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
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Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.