@thepunningman: Boss: Isn't your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move? Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I'm talking about

@fordm: BRUCE WAYNE: How can I rid this city of crime ALFRED: Mental health care access, economic development, gun reg— BRUCE: Bring me a cape

@charstarlene: Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don't wanna have to explain why I'm in your 'Random Party Pics 08' album at 4am.

@causticbob: USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about

@pbear79: I asked a waiter how they prepare their chicken. He said... "Meh, nothing special. We just straight out tell them they're going to die."