Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
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Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods