Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
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her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled