Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
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My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP