Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
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People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
A drum solo but on your face.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
I’m having an out of money experience.