14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
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“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble