[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
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I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Finally!
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.