Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
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Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”