[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
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My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
I am, perchance
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
mood
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.