[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
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My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Help Wanted
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators